Why dialogue matters

From autopilot to reflection

Inside each of our minds is a “manual” made up of automatic routines and myths. Social norms, the society and culture we grew up in; mental models, context, habitat and surroundings; fragments of unsystematic, often contradictory views (a coherent, carefully examined understanding of the world is a rare exception); obligations, fears, emotions, hormones and cognitive biases — all of this blends into one great tangle.

We often remain caught in the mind's games, believing we are making progress in understanding ourselves and our goals. In fact, we enter a fractal in which we can descend endlessly into finer detail or branch off into further lines of thought, using up energy we could put into action. Millions of lives are lived in our heads, while in the physical world a single automatic life plays on repeat, predictable with mechanical precision.

What might set in motion a way of thinking that brings our own “bugs” and true desires into awareness? Society teaches us to “recognise” answers, yet what we really need is to find the right questions!

The amygdala, one of the brain's most ancient and primitive structures, is located in the temporal lobe and processes emotions. This area of the brain is not under direct conscious control, and it is often difficult to recognise how it affects our behaviour. The amygdala activates instinctive responses: fear, aggression or avoidance. It tends to respond to praise, maintain a defensive stance, resist the new and preserve familiar ways. A part of the neocortex — the prefrontal cortex — is responsible for a higher level of consciousness. This is where conscious decision-making, logic, rational thought and the management of complex behaviour take place.

Finding words for what we feel

Our minds are such that anything we have not put into words remains opaque to us. What we are unaware of operates automatically, beyond our direct influence. By giving things symbolic form through speech or writing, we bring into view what we had only imagined was obvious. The human psyche evolved over millions of years, adapting us to the conditions of the world around us. As a result, we have two “storeys”: the lower psyche* — the larger part, similar to that of animals — and the higher psyche**, which is uniquely human and located in the cerebral cortex.

The lower psyche works with sensory representations, while the higher psyche is mediated by signs: it works with symbols, primarily words. If something, or some aspect of a relationship, has not been named with a precise, meaningful word or concept and remains only a feeling or metaphor, it does not rise to the level of the higher psyche. The higher psyche cannot engage with what has not been structured through language. That is why it is important to examine our familiar, seemingly obvious assumptions. Can we describe them in simple, meaningful words?

If not, we lack awareness in that area. Of course, we don't need to bring every detail of our lives into conscious awareness. But when it comes to the key structures that shape our personal view of the world and influence our choices and actions, it matters to ask: “What does this mean to me, specifically?” Developing our own concepts is essential. Without them, we cannot relate to other people or choose the life and relationships we want to live, and the company we truly enjoy.

From “me” to “us”

The modern world is rushing at unimaginable speed towards the devaluation and superficiality of relationships. With cheap dopamine hits and simplified attachments, we become less interesting and less necessary to one another. At the same time, this world offers unprecedented self-sufficiency: we can outsource anything and instantly access any information without needing human connection, turning it into something secondary. Yet our loneliness and emptiness grow, because the higher psyche has run out of arguments for why we need anyone beside us at all. Without togetherness, depth and sincerity, we cannot experience life fully: something is missing from its flavour, and pastries cannot make up for it. Happiness becomes a mirage.

Fundamental ideas that have not been brought to the level of the higher psyche (“What does this mean to me?”) influence our inner world, shaping what we strive for and whom we trust. When this process spins out of control, the price we pay is the quality of our lives.

Language is the interface between the world and our brains. Finding precise words for our feelings is an effective way to build deep, meaningful communication with ourselves and create a shared sense of “us” with the people close to us.

That is why I invite you into the fascinating practice of “Pro dialogues…”: to become aware and make sense of things, to hear another person and encounter the warmth of closeness and connection. Awareness brings confidence and calm. Where there is calm, there is love. When we are filled with love, we expand.